How did ISIS get so many Toyota trucks?

How did they get 0.9% APR on 2016 RAV4s? 

How did ISIS get such great deals on hybrids, crossovers, and SUVs for $0 Down Payment, $0 Security Deposit, $0 Due at Signing, $0 1st Month's Payment??? 

Toyota of Santa Barbara. Now til January 5th. #SP

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Still not sure if I should be an American Gladiator when I grow up.

-Already in pique physical condition. 
-Logical career step after winning Olympic bronze medal in Tug O War. 
-Putting years of giant Q-Tip fight training to good use. 
-Casual friday leotards. 
-Get to bully nerds on national television/fight for my country. 
-Follow in the footsteps of my father: Razer McLaserbeam.

-Swore never to fire a tennis ball cannon again. 
-Rendered sterile in final stage of training program. 
-Legs and back workout moved to to Tuesdays and Thursdays due to shooting schedule. 
-Occasionally summoned to defend Earth Realm. 
-Constantly overshadowed by accomplishments of my father: Razer McLaserbeam. 
-I'm in my late 20's and this show has been cancelled for years.

Friendship: Is it Right for Me?

The following is a sponsored excerpt from the upcoming Self Actualization Manual: Your Better Self & You

Chapter 5: Meeting New People

 Meeting new people doesn’t come easy for most people. Despite this difficulty it is possible for someone to overcome many of their society reservations and blossom into what‘s known as a “people person”. A people person is someone whose friendship output is proportional or exceeds their acquaintance ratio. To put it simply, people people are regarded as socially outgoing and therefore tend to have a higher than average affinity rating, around an 8.0 or above. This number is of course derived from the average appraisement of an anonymous group of bias peers. Literally anyone one of your acquaintances may hold a seat on your Quorum of Judgement so it’s important to be universally pleasant when engaging with someone new, whom you can never truly trust.  

 Establishing a long term friendship is not easy, but if you can keep your wits about you, you’ll have no problem getting through the 30 day trialship period, after which you will qualify for a candidacy in that individual’s Closeness Coalition(CC), a pal-partisanship in which members openly share the contents of their personal emails.

But what is friends? Friendship is a legally binding contract between consenting adults who agree through sickness and in health to help each other move furniture in and out of domiciles, ritualize the anniversaries of their birthdates, and trade in an internalized currency known as “favors”. If you are unsure if friendship is right for you, consult the wisdom of your local strip mall shaman.

 When meeting someone new, often the simplest way to introduce yourself is by simply  saying “hello”. This should be considered a last resort as anything less than a regal heralding is traditionally found to be insult. When conversing with the proletariat  however, a hearty “wazzup” will suffice. Next, follow your salutation with approximately forty five to ninety seconds of light banter. Topics include the weather, their favorite sports team, their exact nationality including proof of citizenship, favorite band, fictional character quiz result they most identify, etc. 

Lastly, after an easy rapport is established, firmly and directly state your preferred style of social reciprocity. For example if you are a shark who generally expects disproportionately more from a friendship than you are actually willing to put into it, it’s best to be upfront about that sort of thing. The potential frienemesis will respect your openness and likely give a positive affinity rating after they have been consumed by your networking warpath.

In the wake of your betrayal, it is important that your former friend understands the established social contract, as well as the established social confidentially agreement and the established social relinquishment of rights. Said documents shall be signed in triplicate with a notary present sometime during the during the trialship period, typically before the second and third scheduled chill hangs or chillangs.

If you desire more dominating social strategy, consult Your Better Self & You. Now available at Borders Books.

Top Ten People to Watch in 2015

10. Shannon. She just moved in two doors down. She seems cool. We should hang some time.

9. Tomas. He’s chill. Always remembers my drink at Jamba Juice. His band is playing Saturday.

8. Mr. Lee. His english isn’t great but I’d rather support his place than a chain, you know?

7. Marcus. So are he and Shannon just roommates or is that like her boyfriend or...

6 .Chris. The UPS guy. I’m pretty sure that’s his name. You’ve seen him right? The tall guy.

5. Jennifer. Did you hear she’s pregnant again! Ahhh so exciting!

4. Keith’s Dad. Keith is a homie and all, but I dunno, I think his dad is such a bad guy.

3. Viv. She just turned 80. Love you grandma!

2. Karen. I don’t know what’s up with her lately. It's like she won't even answer my texts. Whatever.

1. Shannon. Cooler than Karen anyway. She’s seen like, every episode of Bob’s Burgers.